To have blogged and lost is to never have blogged at all, right?

Wrong.  Goofy Xanga Maintenance shut-downs!

I had a very interesting encounter today with a woman who exemplifies the Titus 2:3-5 woman, and her instruction  was the final push to get me back here.  Not just here...as in Xanga-here, but in the broader sense of finding the desire to be "Christian" again. 

That sounds horrible.  As if I wasn't in the last month-and-a-half.  But perhaps in one way I wasn't... not in the productive sense.  I got apathetic in October, and very depressed.  As depression usually does, it snuck up on me.  I lost interest in reading the Bible, writing, praying...  The energy went first, then the interest.  I realized the severity of my state when I caught myself considering a way that I might kill myself.  Gosh...I hadn't been there in years. 

I don't know even how many McCheyne readings I missed, and in the last month my journal-to-God entries number only two.  And I began considering the futility of writing at all here.  Do I really help anyone?  One person kindly messaged me, and another left a comment... 

But too much time had lapsed, and I didn't know where to begin again... 

Excuses.  Merely apathetic excuses.

Then today this sweet, Spirit filled woman from Detroit found herself at a Royal Oak dealership to get her vehicle fixed.  She said she didn't know why felt like going north, passing I don't know how many mechanics on the way.  But there she was at my account, sitting directly in front of a troublesome Yucca, and she started talking to me about it. 

And for once I wasn't in a hurry.  She had been "name-dropping" throughout her conversation: "...the Spirit said," and "...the Spirit led."  I happened to see a Max Lucado book in her open purse sitting before her.  As I was getting ready to move on, she asked me if I liked what I was doing, and if this was what I really wanted to do.  

"Yeah," I said, "it's a good job."

"No, I don't mean this.  What do you really want to do?" 

"I want to write," I said without thinking, "Christian non-fiction."  But to do that, I need to stop being apathetic and lazy about it all.  And that's the hard part. 

Before I walked away, this wise woman told me that she had been sensing trouble coming for a while, before the economy collapsed, and I believe her inferrence was there is still trouble ahead.  She referenced Esther, the for such a time as this passage, saying that we're given gifts and tools to help and that we need to use those now.  To stop waiting, stop putting it off.

And she told me to write. 

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.  Titus 2:3-5, NIV

I had one of my favorite Xangans recommend a book to me this spring, one that talked about how much God loves us.  The Xangan had seen something in my writing that caused her to suggest it...though I hadn't picked it up immediately.  Ever feel like that? as though the book wasn't meant for "now"?

Well a few weeks ago, as I began sliding into a depressive fit and went scrambling for any root to pull myself up with, I opened that book.  I read the first chapter, than a few more.  But after a few days, my dissatisfaction with it was growing.  The basic feel it gave me was that God does love us...which was never a thing I doubted.  I don't question he loves me; I just can't figure out why.  And having God love you versus receiving that love...two different things.

It's me who doesn't love me, so why should I let God? 

We sang this new song a church today, and some of its lyrics were "lover of my soul" and "come dance with me".  Far to intimate.  I'm not a John, not the disciple who can just relax curled up to Jesus.  I'm a Peter...over-reacting, forever saying the wrong thing, trying to defend God...  I don't know if Peter actually suffered what I do, this thought of "why me"?  Because I do get that Jesus loves me...I just can't figure out why.

So the book recommendation was excellent, because without it, I never would have exasperatedly thrown it down with the expostulation, "This isn't my issue!  I know you love me, I just don't feel I'm worthy of it!"

If you try to tell me something like, "Of course you're not worthy, but he loves you anyway" or "You are worthy of his love"...it won't help.  I know it all logically, but those words are akin to telling an anorexic they're not fat.  I needed a heart-change.

So I'm taking my own advice, advice borrowed from some pastor: to read the Bible as something that actually applies to me, to my life.  The intention was lost consciously nearly as soon as I stated it, but then I got sick with a cold on Thursday, and wondered why I didn't believe the promises of healing were for me?  It was just a thought; I'm sketchy on my stance of physical healing, but following that question I wondered if I believed any of the Bible was for me?  Not the legalistic parts I'm so good at adopting...but the hope- and joy- and love-filled parts.  The good stuff prosperity teachers love to expound on.

This is all complete randomness, a mere expression of my past weeks.  I'm not even posting a verse because the only ones I can think of have to do with God loving me so that his glory can be seen through me...and that's a bit impersonal and not a bit encouraging.  So, if you've read this and any of it made any sense, perhaps you have one.