Sunday, 04 October 2009
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Not questioning His love, but wondering why?
I had one of my favorite Xangans recommend a book to me this spring, one that talked about how much God loves us. The Xangan had seen something in my writing that caused her to suggest it...though I hadn't picked it up immediately. Ever feel like that? as though the book wasn't meant for "now"?
Well a few weeks ago, as I began sliding into a depressive fit and went scrambling for any root to pull myself up with, I opened that book. I read the first chapter, than a few more. But after a few days, my dissatisfaction with it was growing. The basic feel it gave me was that God does love us...which was never a thing I doubted. I don't question he loves me; I just can't figure out why. And having God love you versus receiving that love...two different things.
It's me who doesn't love me, so why should I let God?
We sang this new song a church today, and some of its lyrics were "lover of my soul" and "come dance with me". Far to intimate. I'm not a John, not the disciple who can just relax curled up to Jesus. I'm a Peter...over-reacting, forever saying the wrong thing, trying to defend God... I don't know if Peter actually suffered what I do, this thought of "why me"? Because I do get that Jesus loves me...I just can't figure out why.
So the book recommendation was excellent, because without it, I never would have exasperatedly thrown it down with the expostulation, "This isn't my issue! I know you love me, I just don't feel I'm worthy of it!"
If you try to tell me something like, "Of course you're not worthy, but he loves you anyway" or "You are worthy of his love"...it won't help. I know it all logically, but those words are akin to telling an anorexic they're not fat. I needed a heart-change.
So I'm taking my own advice, advice borrowed from some pastor: to read the Bible as something that actually applies to me, to my life. The intention was lost consciously nearly as soon as I stated it, but then I got sick with a cold on Thursday, and wondered why I didn't believe the promises of healing were for me? It was just a thought; I'm sketchy on my stance of physical healing, but following that question I wondered if I believed any of the Bible was for me? Not the legalistic parts I'm so good at adopting...but the hope- and joy- and love-filled parts. The good stuff prosperity teachers love to expound on.
This is all complete randomness, a mere expression of my past weeks. I'm not even posting a verse because the only ones I can think of have to do with God loving me so that his glory can be seen through me...and that's a bit impersonal and not a bit encouraging. So, if you've read this and any of it made any sense, perhaps you have one.
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Comments (6)
the title got to me because for me it's that case... not that i'm questioning God's love for me... it's not merely the why for me either, but the what... what's the next step, what the direction for me to go in etc etc etc...
I often feel the same way, telling God that I don't understand his love for me. For me there's 2 ways of looking at it. One is that we can't understand why he loves us. King David wrote something similar in Psalm 139:1-6. The other way of looking at it is to think of yourself as a parent and how you will love your children. If God chose to create us, then why wouldn't he love us?
why? WHY? - cuz you're His little girl - His pride and joy - you're smart, beautiful -a part of Him -
how could He not?
It's hard for us to relate to an unconditional love, isn't it? The only real love we know and experience is the love from parents or boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. God's love is nothing like those earthly examples.
Imagine for second or two that you have a child and you ask that child to become something lower than He/She already is so that they could die for all of the human race; and that Child volunteers to do that very thing, and then those people He did it for reject Him.
There is no way we can possibly understand God's Love to us. We just have to believe in Him and experience it, after our repentance of sin.
THAT, you have already done...
A part of loving someone is acceptance of them for who and what they are. Why does God love you?
He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. (1 John 4:8)
I'm willing to accept Him for who and what He is... how 'bout you, sister?
Rather than making this a very long comment, please allow me to direct you to a post about Peter and something we can learn about God's nature from his story! There's something God knows about us that none of us know about ourselves! I pray it will bless you. Click here
I so much enjoy the honesty in your writing and I believe I know exactly what you are saying. I also question why He loves me. I can give plenty of reasons that He wouldn't love me. I also am not too crazy about myself.
I looked at the link AOK4WAY provided. It is very long but has many good points in it. The message I got was that God loves us because of our desire to know Him, our desire to grow in our Christian walk, our love of Him, because He knows we are changing into what He truly meant us to be in our hearts. While that change is taking place in our lives, we think of the old self, before we accepted Christ and our continued slip ups to be who we think He wants us to be. Maybe those slips don't make Him love us less. I think He may look at those slips as lessons learned, one more step toward Him. The important thing is that we keep walking toward Him.