Monday, 05 October 2009

  • Why love at all?

    Wondering why God loves really began for me with question "Why love?"  I would always question the motive for love, basically because almost all relational experience I had pointed to love requiring a cost. 

    Relationships with coworkers are really dependent upon performance, so I have no troubles in this arena.  Romantically...well, all those seemed to require sex, and without explanation, that cost hasn't worked for me.  I never could never understand what payment friendship enacts, however, so I essentially alienate myself, thinking that, like a decent romantic relationship, a person couldn't possibly like me for just me, right? 

    So I acquire pets.  Instant, albeit forced, companionship.  Though even there, I honestly don't believe my pets "love" me.  Too many times, I'd make a comment about Keeg or one of the dogs fawning over me, and my Mom would reply, "It's because he loves you."  And of course I don't believe that; animals don't love.  They know I feed them, give them a place to live, or as in the case of my ferret and cat, am the only person they ever see. 

    I used to have these long, onesided arguments as to the basis of love, and I had gotten it down very indisputably to instinct.  This essentially means that love has to have a reason why and reason for.  And that abolishes the supposed existence of love by completely replacing it with motivational instinct.   I had nearly had this hypothesis destroyed when I considered my parents.  Of course they loved me.  All my life they have done a dozen things or a dozen other which proved it and they get nothing in return. 

    Yet one huge thing that science teaches is that it would be and indeed is an advantageous trait for parents to love their children, especially the slowly maturing Homo sapien individuals...and thus I landed back onto instinct.  And instict in turn gives reason for marriage...so love doesn't even find its reality there.

    But then comes the case of God, which is where my theory falls apart.  Though instinct and self-seeking motivations may provide explanation for "love" in all other creations, it doesn't in God.  And if I can't understand why God might love, then can't accept that love, I'll never believe or accept "love" from anywhere else. 

Sunday, 04 October 2009

  • Not questioning His love, but wondering why?

    I had one of my favorite Xangans recommend a book to me this spring, one that talked about how much God loves us.  The Xangan had seen something in my writing that caused her to suggest it...though I hadn't picked it up immediately.  Ever feel like that? as though the book wasn't meant for "now"?

    Well a few weeks ago, as I began sliding into a depressive fit and went scrambling for any root to pull myself up with, I opened that book.  I read the first chapter, than a few more.  But after a few days, my dissatisfaction with it was growing.  The basic feel it gave me was that God does love us...which was never a thing I doubted.  I don't question he loves me; I just can't figure out why.  And having God love you versus receiving that love...two different things.

    It's me who doesn't love me, so why should I let God? 

    We sang this new song a church today, and some of its lyrics were "lover of my soul" and "come dance with me".  Far to intimate.  I'm not a John, not the disciple who can just relax curled up to Jesus.  I'm a Peter...over-reacting, forever saying the wrong thing, trying to defend God...  I don't know if Peter actually suffered what I do, this thought of "why me"?  Because I do get that Jesus loves me...I just can't figure out why.

    So the book recommendation was excellent, because without it, I never would have exasperatedly thrown it down with the expostulation, "This isn't my issue!  I know you love me, I just don't feel I'm worthy of it!"

    If you try to tell me something like, "Of course you're not worthy, but he loves you anyway" or "You are worthy of his love"...it won't help.  I know it all logically, but those words are akin to telling an anorexic they're not fat.  I needed a heart-change.

    So I'm taking my own advice, advice borrowed from some pastor: to read the Bible as something that actually applies to me, to my life.  The intention was lost consciously nearly as soon as I stated it, but then I got sick with a cold on Thursday, and wondered why I didn't believe the promises of healing were for me?  It was just a thought; I'm sketchy on my stance of physical healing, but following that question I wondered if I believed any of the Bible was for me?  Not the legalistic parts I'm so good at adopting...but the hope- and joy- and love-filled parts.  The good stuff prosperity teachers love to expound on.

    This is all complete randomness, a mere expression of my past weeks.  I'm not even posting a verse because the only ones I can think of have to do with God loving me so that his glory can be seen through me...and that's a bit impersonal and not a bit encouraging.  So, if you've read this and any of it made any sense, perhaps you have one.

goldenrod

God's Input

  • Scripture says, "I believed, and therefore I spoke out", and we too, in the same spirit of faith, believe and therefore speak out. 2Cor413
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