I had one of my favorite Xangans recommend a book to me this spring, one that talked about how much God loves us.  The Xangan had seen something in my writing that caused her to suggest it...though I hadn't picked it up immediately.  Ever feel like that? as though the book wasn't meant for "now"?

Well a few weeks ago, as I began sliding into a depressive fit and went scrambling for any root to pull myself up with, I opened that book.  I read the first chapter, than a few more.  But after a few days, my dissatisfaction with it was growing.  The basic feel it gave me was that God does love us...which was never a thing I doubted.  I don't question he loves me; I just can't figure out why.  And having God love you versus receiving that love...two different things.

It's me who doesn't love me, so why should I let God? 

We sang this new song a church today, and some of its lyrics were "lover of my soul" and "come dance with me".  Far to intimate.  I'm not a John, not the disciple who can just relax curled up to Jesus.  I'm a Peter...over-reacting, forever saying the wrong thing, trying to defend God...  I don't know if Peter actually suffered what I do, this thought of "why me"?  Because I do get that Jesus loves me...I just can't figure out why.

So the book recommendation was excellent, because without it, I never would have exasperatedly thrown it down with the expostulation, "This isn't my issue!  I know you love me, I just don't feel I'm worthy of it!"

If you try to tell me something like, "Of course you're not worthy, but he loves you anyway" or "You are worthy of his love"...it won't help.  I know it all logically, but those words are akin to telling an anorexic they're not fat.  I needed a heart-change.

So I'm taking my own advice, advice borrowed from some pastor: to read the Bible as something that actually applies to me, to my life.  The intention was lost consciously nearly as soon as I stated it, but then I got sick with a cold on Thursday, and wondered why I didn't believe the promises of healing were for me?  It was just a thought; I'm sketchy on my stance of physical healing, but following that question I wondered if I believed any of the Bible was for me?  Not the legalistic parts I'm so good at adopting...but the hope- and joy- and love-filled parts.  The good stuff prosperity teachers love to expound on.

This is all complete randomness, a mere expression of my past weeks.  I'm not even posting a verse because the only ones I can think of have to do with God loving me so that his glory can be seen through me...and that's a bit impersonal and not a bit encouraging.  So, if you've read this and any of it made any sense, perhaps you have one.